It’s generally agreed upon that dressing like a surfer is cool. Hollister (the shittier, poor-man’s Abercrombie) owes much of its success to the fact that everyone in California thinks they live on a beach. While you’re there, make sure to pick up torn/worn jeans, several different colors of polo shirts, and flip flops (oh, and one of those necklaces, not the shell ones, the ones made of string). Okay, but now that you’re all geared up, how will you get around? You can’t actually surf on land. Here are some helpful hints on longboarding.

1. Skate in Flip Flops: you know what, **** the fact that you don’t live on the beach, your hairy unkempt feet need to breathe too. Also, the fact that they have no grip makes them perfect for longboarding. I have witnessed so many people fall on their longboards this week, I’m running out of fingers to count them on.

2. Ride Sector 9: when you ride a Sector 9 board, you are not only saying I bought a company sold you, you are saying, “I sold out when I bought this board from a company that sold out.” It’s a perfect fit for you. One word of warning, though, every time you ride a Sector 9 board, your penis shrinks by two inches (careful! The average man’s penis is only six).

3. Learn to Skate: yeah, this one is pretty important. Since the majority of you “longboarders” are actually just pretending, it’s probably safer just to walk your board around and pretend you’re not in a hurry. This also requires a lot less balance and coordination than actual skating.

P.S. Hollister is nowhere near a beach